First, let’s start by examining what I mean when I say “here”. I am not talking about the physical space I am in, rather my mental state of mind. By nature, I am a worrier and planner. I thrive when I know exactly what will happen in life because then I can be ready for it.  In more recent years, life has challenged me to be bold, and let go.

• Lesson #1: in 2016 when my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer in her late 50’s. I wasn’t prepared for that. How does someone prepare for something like? I started to worry and hover. I researched everything….big mistake. Everything I was doing was sucking the joy out of the life that I was living.  I was also in the midst of a job change, parenting five kids, and trying to be a good partner.  This was the start to many conversations with Noah on recognizing what I am in control of, and what I am not. Something in that felt powerful. In spring of 2016 my mom was declared cancer free and we all would celebrate. 
• Lesson #2: My mom’s cancer came back. Less than a year after she was declared cancer free, she started to get sick. Something was wrong all the time. Her arms would swell and she lose her feeling in her hand. Her kidney’s were no longer functioning at full capacity and no one could figure it out. Then in July 2017 the news came. Our family was camping, my mom was being rushed to the hospital. My brother and sister were there, they told us to enjoy our last camping trip of the year, that no one would know much that night anyways. I knew something was wrong. My brother finally said “her cancer is back, it’s spread to her liver and lungs.” I asked what that meant, but he remained optimistic. Based on my Google research, my mom had six weeks left at that stage cancer. I spent every minute I could with her. She started more chemo, but had to stop due to a kidney surgery. I read everything about her cancer and I knew we were going to lose her. I was prepared. I had convinced myself that that if I knew what was going to happen it would somehow be easier to accept. On September 27th 2017 at 2:48am my mother passed away in a hospital room. She was surrounded by all the people that love her, including her my sister who had flown in from California and made it to the hospital around midnight. My mom waited for her.  NOTHING prepared me for that. There is no way to prepare for a pain like that, and I wouldn’t want too. If I didn’t feel the pain of the loss, and wouldn’t have known the joy of her being my mother. 
• Lesson #3: January 2018, just three months since my mom’s funeral. We were all starting to really process grief and try to find our some normalcy again when Noah get’s served custody papers by his ex wife. At best our co-parenting has been a challenge at worst downright abusive. Since Noah and I moved in together we have been the full time caregivers. At the time, we had been in a voluntary trial period with increased parenting time given to Noah’s ex-wife. After a month’s long court battle the case was heard in April. Noah would remain the custodial parent, his ex would need to pay her court ordered child support, and her time would be reduced so the kids could be more successful at school. The outcome was in our favor, but I had spent month’s worrying about what would come next, instead of focusing on the joy of a vacation with our kids. We had to max out our credit cards and take out loans (that we still pay on) for attorney fee’s. While things weren’t great between houses we didn’t see this coming. Guess what? This was another event that I didn’t have control over, and I couldn’t prepare for. My husband kept reminding me of his mantra “You aren’t living for someone else’s standard, your living for your own. We’ll continue to do the right thing when it is hard, because it’s what we do”. He was right, I could sneak to deplorable levels that others had taken or I could hold my head up high. Even if he was right, how was I suppose to manage all the baggage I was carrying? I could feel the pressure building on my shoulders. I was about to break. I am sure at some point I will blog more about this part of my life (step momming/co parenting). 
• Lesson #4: Just when I thought everything was settling, we were informed someone had committed a crime and used my partners name as an alias in another state and my partner had a bench warrant for his arrest for a missed  court date. Of course, we had NO idea about any of this. How many of you have prepared for the day you find out your partner or yourself have a warrant out? The case was dropped in June 2019, but we still had to pay $3,000.00 out of pocket to an attorney since we were not in the state. 

Apparently, you can’t prepare for everything.

So here is what I have learned: You can’t control the shit falling around you. It will fall where it falls, what you CAN control, is your reaction to it. I spent the greater part of the last six months barely holding on. I was angry, hurt, frustrated and sad. I was starting to become less tolerant and more agitated at home. I talked with my medical provider, and I started focusing on my health. Instead of trying to prepare for the things I didn’t know where coming, I started to focus on the things I could control. MY values, OUR family, and the GOALS that we would set to get there. We plotted and action plan, set up boundaries and enforce them. It has taken a lot of practice, and even now I have to be intentional about my thoughts, it is far to easy be angry and blame others. The truth is we have an obligation and responsibility to ourselves to care for our feelings. That doesn’t mean you have to do it alone, it means someone else can’t tell you how to process your feelings, that is for you to figure out. Now, when I feel frustrated by a situation or event, I take the time to be intentional about how I process my emotions. I search for the things I can control and the things I can’t. I put my time, energy, and resources into the things I can change and leave the rest at the door.

What are your go to strategies when you can’t control the situation around you?

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